What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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