Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
do all gilrs hav hair on thier vagaina ?
Don't drive home.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Blood and glitter go together right?
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
