that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
