This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
