So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
We are two peas in an std pod
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
