My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
