Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
