paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
