I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
