i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
