Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
