I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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