At least make sure they are 18
Why
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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