You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
