the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
