Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
