do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
my poor anus
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
