Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
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you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
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he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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