and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
