Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
