he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
