24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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