i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
