If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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