She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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