dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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