What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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