Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
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