Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Four minutes until I can fart!
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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