I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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