1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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