I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
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