I wish my penis had an off switch
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
