this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Randomize
