I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Randomize
