why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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