I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
