Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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