I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
