the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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