Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
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