It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
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he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
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At a point I was just cumming dust last night
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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