did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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