Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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