Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
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