I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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