Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
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