someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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