Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Randomize
