So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
