I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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