Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
tequila makes me forget i have legs
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
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