ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Randomize
