I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
