everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
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