I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
