if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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