My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Randomize
